Wellness: On Becoming a New Mother
Unlike the extensive family support and hired help that is so readily available in India to a new mother, Indian American women transitioning into motherhood often find themselves short of help and stressed even when there is a supportive spouse. Here are some insights from a clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health that may help.
“Matrescence” is defined as the physical, emotional, hormonal, and social transition a woman undergoes when she becomes a mother. Every culture has a way to honor that process. In China, new mothers are offered a 30-day confinement. In Brazil, there is a focus on certain foods that help the mother regain strength. In India, the prospective mother often spends the final weeks of her pregnancy and post-delivery time at her maternal home, surrounded by a supporting mother, father, grandparents, and other family members.
In the U.S.A., well, the story is different. On the good side, if one is fortunate to be working in a company that provides as much as six months of maternity/paternity leave, it can go a long way in relieving the stress of the work-life balancing act. But the percentage of women having such a privilege is still relatively low in the U.S. Most couples who are new parents find themselves overworked, sleep-deprived, and in a lonely battle of parenting a newborn where there is no one to bounce off decisions regarding best practices of sleep training, feeding, and so much more in their specific situation.
Is it any wonder that rates of postpartum depression and anxiety are skyrocketing? It has become such an issue that in August this year, the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, released an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, talking about the immediate need to support parents and caregivers.
I frequently work with Indian American mothers who are striving to juggle the work that multiple people in India typically do. And these mothers often do this while also continuing to contribute financially to the household. They are not only trying to meet work deadlines but also trying to stay afloat in a sea of small and big tasks surrounding the newborn. Even in situations where the husband is willing and able to help, his role is often only supportive—while the onus of maintaining feeding and sleep cycles, keeping up with their child’s developmental milestones, and so much more rests squarely on the mother’s shoulders. This means that women are working at their full capacity at all times, and if anything goes off track, it leads to feelings of guilt, if not worse.
What I have observed through counseling many new mothers is that while they expend a great deal of energy in trying to figure out what is best for their children, they struggle to identify and discuss their own needs. They fail to acknowledge their own tiredness or overstimulation. They are also under the false impression that just moving things around will allow them to achieve all their tasks effortlessly.
In a society and culture that idolizes hard work, rest appears to many as a sign of weakness or, worse, defect. Women have struggled to find a voice outside the home for decades, if not centuries, and don’t want to relinquish that hard-earned voice while being distracted by motherhood. However, the home environment hasn’t become an equal place. From my own experience, as well as that of those women who come to see me: if you don’t listen to your body and mind when they signal the need for rest, you will eventually reach a point where they stop functioning and rest will no longer be a choice—it will become necessary, most likely brought on by sickness due to weakened immune system.
Lack of rest and its implications on mental health are significant. Without rest, you are more likely to reach burnout, which can present itself as depression and anxiety—a way for your brain to tell you that what you have been doing isn’t working and something needs to change. And yet, in a culture that values achievement and progress, there is little space to acknowledge the need for self-care.
Our contemporary society and the Indian community, in particular, likes to chart out a life plan that, unfortunately, does not allow for much deviation: go to college, start searching for a life partner, buy a house, have children, etc. Parenting, however, often doesn’t come with such predictable rules and progression. Yet, everyone around you will try to “offer a plan” for you and your child. And along with those suggestions will come the comparisons: “Well, your cousin’s child was already talking at this age!” With the theme of excellence and perfection woven into our psyches, when we get to the pediatrician’s office, that percentile rank for the baby’s weight and height feels like another way to make that mark.
The comparison narrative increases anxiety which, in turn, can lead to bouts of anger and feelings of failure. In my professional opinion, managing anxiety around your child becomes more about parenting yourself rather than changing anything about the child. It is about having space to process and reflect rather than jumping into taking action. Those skills are difficult to build when you are grading your parenting while also constantly being bombarded with “helpful” suggestions from parents, the community, and social media.
The pressure cooker version of mothering doesn’t go away after the first few years; it just evolves. It is therefore essential to remember in the parenting journey that whether your infant hits the appropriate weight percentile or not, whether your highschooler enrolls in AP chemistry or not, or whether your adult son/daughter gets serious about marriage or not, it has never been in your control—not entirely anyway. So, let’s take care of ourselves because we deserve it as people, and it allows us to build stronger relationships with our children.
Some Dos and Don’ts of New Motherhood
- Make space for contradictory thoughts. For example, consider professional medical advice but also listen to your intuition as well as cues from your unique child.
- Provide your anxieties alternative channels through journaling, exercise, meditation, and prayer.
- Don’t underestimate the power of small breaks throughout the day, even if they last only five to 15 minutes.
- Between attending to the incessant needs of a newborn, work commitments, and more, your brain is already overstimulated. Avoid the temptation of stimulating it further by always scrolling on the phone or other screens. Instead, smell the roses, drink a glass of water or herbal tea meditatively, and take a walk if you can.
- Relax your expectations and don’t always insist on “your” way when dad or grandmom are stepping in to help. Occasional small changes in style and techniques might even help!
Bhumi Mehta is a licensed clinical psychologist who found her passion for “matrescence” (“the motherhood journey”) after becoming a mother herself.
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