Wellness: 5 Things to Let Go in the New Year
When I was younger, I was big into making New Year resolutions. I was the mascot for cliches like “New Year, New Me.” But as my yoga practice became deeper, I realized that more than adding, wanting, and wishing for things in life, it may be better to start by dropping the tendencies and attitudes that bring suffering. Here are five of them for your consideration:
Self-loathing
Don’t binge eat and hurt yourself during the holidays and then take extreme measures to lose weight in the New Year. Memberships to most gyms around the country see a massive uptick in January. It’s impossible to find free equipment. The “New Year's resolution gang” is gung-ho at first, but soon those 7-days-a-week workouts turns to once a week, and by February or March, gym attendance dwindles back to pre-New Year numbers. My point: create a life for yourself that feels sustainable and nourishing all 365 days of the year.
Obsession with mistakes
Do you find yourself obsessively replaying situations in your head in which you wish you had acted/ spoken/behaved/ performed/talked differently? You berate yourself for that one incident. Rumination can make you feel like you are losing control. It may increase anxiety, stress, and sleeplessness. Look: Perfection is a myth. If you are human, you will make mistakes! If you learn from them, those errors in judgement could become a valuable part of your growth and your evolutionary journey. Mistakes can become our teachers and tools for experience.
Fantasies about nonexistent life
I am always amused when people marvel at someone else’s partner, children, and relationships with a sense of envy. You can admire qualities in others but to fantasize about coulda, shoulda, and woulda will only mess with you. No one’s life is perfect. I once knew a couple who shared the most romantic posts on socials, and they seemed like they were so well put together. Turns out, the wife was cheating on her husband, and the exaggerated posts on social media were basically a way for her to cover up the unspoken truths of her marriage. What you see is what people show you. In desiring what you don’t have, you end up ignoring the good in your life.
The need for constant validation
Indian kids of the ’70s and ’80s weren’t raised with applause and praise. In most families, 97% marks were met with comments like, “Where did you lose the remaining 3%?” We all bring our childhood baggage into our adult relationships. While wanting validation from our friends and family is a common need, pay attention to your patterns. Wanting an occasional acknowledgment from someone you respect is fine. It's very different from the harmful habit of constantly seeking approval of those who hurt, violate, insult, or abandon you. There is no harm in seeking professional help if you feel that you have a compulsive need to impress others, and if it’s impacting your mental wellbeing.
Excessive attachment to expectations and disappointments in people
I have a client who constantly complains that her family doesn’t care about her. We broke it down to specifics—what she means by that. Her complaints include her family not engaging with her social media posts and not showing up to her art openings, acknowledging her hobbies or ever praising her when she goes out of the way for them. I told her that the only thing we can control are our own thoughts and actions. If we do something for others with the expectation that they will return the favor, we are in for a heart- break. The world is consumed with itself, so expectations will lead to disappointments. Also, what you do for others is your choice. Ask yourself the intention behind your actions. According to the Yoga Sutras (2.3), raga or attachments is one of five kleshas or obstacles that cause suffering. Working on non-attachment helps nourish your mental health. I am not suggesting withdrawing from the world, moving into a cave in the Himalayas, or leading a secluded life.
Sweta Vikram, an Ayurveda-based life and wellness coach and a graduate of Columbia University, helps people thrive on their own terms.
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