Wellbeing: Navigating Divorce with Compassion
If marriage can be challenging, divorce is usually a challenge on “steroids”— especially in the South Asian community, where there is still significant stigma and shame associated with it. Here are some insights from a certified life coach’s personal and professional experience on better navigating this ordeal.
A plea for compassion during and after the process
Divorce is hard for both women and men. Don't make it even more complicated by insisting on moral justice or revenge in the process. Whether it is you who decide to call off the marriage or it is thrust upon you, beware of adding fuel to the fire by making it a battle of egos and the need to be right. Watch out for mixed-up priorities and anger.
As a divorce and transition coach, I often witness heartbreaking hostility between divorcing couples. The spouse with control over finances may wield power that he threatens to use abusively, adopting a vengeful attitude with the intent to destroy their soon-to-be-ex partner—even when they have lived with this person, possibly for years, and have, often, brought new life into this world together.
Why this much hostility? Instead, can you consider treating each other with the respect and dignity everyone deserves? A little compassion during this challenging time will go a long way in setting a solid foundation for yourselves and your children. By being civil to each other, you ensure you continue to have a partner in nurturing and caring for your children. No one will ever care for your children as much as both of you do.
No matter how conflict-ridden your marriage has been, do not discount the possibility of taking a more peaceful and non-violent approach to your divorce.
Parenting your children during and after divorce
The complexity of divorce increases exponentially when children are involved. Children have little to no say in the decisions made by the two most important adults in their lives. Can we at least spare them the agony of having to witness the bitterness between their parents?
What makes things worse is when parents use them as pawns to spite each other. For instance, one or both parents may convey nasty messages via the children or say hurtful things about the other parent. Children may experience a great deal of stress and uncertainty during their parents’ divorce. Whether they are witnessing flaring tempers or cold silence, children are affected by their parents’ behaviors. They may feel their lives have been uprooted and their world is falling apart. Consequently, they may react by lashing out, shutting down, or acting out in unhealthy ways. As parents, it is our responsibility to help them navigate this significant life event with minimal disturbance.
How do we do that? By becoming conscious coparents during and after divorce. Here are a few simple steps to create a harmonious environment for your children amidst the chaos:
- Have age-appropriate conversations with your children to reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.
- Establish a consistent routine, such as regular mealtimes and bedtimes.
- Refrain from bad-mouthing or complaining about the other parent in front of the children.
- Maintain clear communication with the other parent.
- Consider professional counseling for your children if needed.
Co-parenting is not easy, but prioritizing your children’s well-being over animosity towards your former spouse will serve them well.
Role of friends and family in supporting during divorce
Friends and family of spouses are generally at a loss when providing support during divorce. They may feel pressured to take sides but hesitate to do so. As a result, they often walk away leaving the affected individuals feeling abandoned and isolated. However, the value of their support during this challenging time cannot be overstated. Although they may not have experience or knowledge of divorce, their presence can make a significant difference.
As a friend or family member, here are simple ways you can provide support:
1. Be non-judgmental. Resist the urge to comment on why you think reasons for the divorce seem frivolous or speculate about (wife’s/husband’s) behaviors. Now is not the time for your “expert” opinion or commentary. Only the individuals involved know and understand what led them to their decision. It often takes years of struggle before such a decision is made.
2. Respect and maintain confidentiality. If the individual going through divorce confides in you, honor their trust by refraining from discussing the matter with others (don’t gossip!).
3. Give space. Discussing one’s divorce constantly can be quite exhausting. Respect their need for space; avoid pushing them to talk about it if they are not ready.
4. Remember, divorce is not contagious! Supporting a friend through this tough time does not mean you will “catch the bug.”
You have more control over their divorce process than you believe
Divorce is a choice that is more often than not made with great difficulty by one or both partners. Each individual deserves to live a fulfilling life. When parting ways, doing so in a peaceful manner while wishing the best for each other will significantly expedite the healing process, helping you embrace new beginnings in the post-divorce phase.
For the rest of us who are affected by the pain of our loved ones but remain largely bystanders, it is important to offer support. Regardless of your opinions on divorce, let the individual(s) know you are there for them. Send positive thoughts to the divorcing couple and their children, wishing them peace and joy as they navigate this challenging transition.
Know that you have more control over the divorce process than you believe. How you navigate it is an active choice. By approaching it with compassion and understanding, we can help ensure that everyone involved finds their path to a more hopeful and brighter future.
Gita Vemparala is a certified life coach who specializes in divorce and transition. She helps women undergoing this traumatic event navigate its various aspects, such as financial, legal, parenting, and emotional.
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