I’ve never been much of an athlete, but someday I’d like to wear an Olympic silver medal around my neck. I’d show it proudly to all my friends, saying, “It’s mine, all mine. Did you ever think I’d have an Olympic silver medal in javelin?”
My friends would shake their heads in disbelief. “Amazing,” one of them would say. “You can’t even throw a toothpick across the room.”
“That’s true,” I’d say. “But I still have this.” You may be won- dering how I’d ever be able to steal an Olympic medal. Well, I don’t plan on stealing, just wheedling. I hope to meet javelin star Neeraj Chopra one day and beg him to give me his. “You have a gold medal and a silver medal,” I’d say. “Why do you need both? Once you have gold, anything less is totally unnecessary. If you give me your silver medal, both of us can be proud.”
If Chopra is unwilling to give me his silver medal, I’d beg him to lend it to me for just 24 hours, long enough to get dozens of photos with the medal around my neck. I’d post a photo on social media with this message: “If you can dream it, you can achieve it.” I’d also frame a photo and pass it down to my grand- children, so they can be proud of their medal-wheedling grandpa. I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t just take someone else’s medal. You have to earn one on your own.”
That’s just not true anymore. After all, President Trump is now in possession of the Nobel Peace Prize that Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado won in 2025. Machado recently met Trump and handed him the prize. Trump had coveted it and was disappointed that the Nobel committee awarded it to Machado, overlooking Trump’s success in ending numerous wars and conflicts around the world, such as between Israel and Palestine; India and Pakistan; Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Machado placed the medal in a frame, along with these words: “To President Donald J. Trump. In recognition of extraordinary leadership in promoting peace through strength, advancing diplomacy, and defending liberty and prosperity.”
In a social media post, Trump called it “a wonderful gesture of mutual respect.” Those are the same words I will write when Chopra gives me his silver medal. The Nobel committee, of course, did not approve of Machado’s actions. “Once a Nobel Prize is announced, it cannot be revoked, shared, or transferred to others,” it said in a statement. “The decision is final and stands for all time.” But Trump does not care about that. Rulers make their own rules. After all, people who visit Trump’s home are just going to admire the medal. And Trump will be standing there proudly, saying, “Everybody knows I should have won it. Even the person who won it knows I should have won it. That’s why she gave it to me.”
I will say something similar when Neeraj Chopra gives me his medal: “Everybody knows I would have won it if God had made me bigger and stronger and less attached to my couch. Even Neeraj Chopra knows I would have won it if I had inherited his genes and desire to spend as many hours training as I spend napping. That’s why he gave it to me.” If you think I’ll be satisfied with just an Olympic silver medal, you really don’t know how ambitious I am. After getting my Olympic medal, I will pester author Colson Whitehead for one of his Pulitzer Prizes. (Why does he need two?) Then I will beg French chef Jacques Pépin for one of his James Beard awards. (Why does he need 24?)
Yes, I will be the world’s greatest athletic, literary, and culinary imposter.